Role Addicts

By , November 30, 2010 10:15 PM

On Sunday I started a conversation about what it means to have your identity (or part of it) anchored outside of yourself.  Boy, ask and ye shall receive!  I’ve been flooded with images of various aspects of this.

Do you know anyone who consistently operates in a martyr role?  I do.  But what does a martyr need, in order to be a martyr?  They need someone to be their foil.  Do you know anyone who’s in a co-dependent, or otherwise destructive relationship?  I do.  Likewise, it takes both sides of the equation to define each individual’s role.  Do you know people who are primarily defined by their family or their job?  I do.  Yeah, I bet you know what my comment to that is, even if I don’t type it out.

Shall I continue?  Do you know anyone who is habitually judgmental or holier-than-thou?  What about someone who’s a know-it-all?  Sure enough, they all rely on (often unwitting) sidekicks also.  What about the people-pleaser or the servant?  Or the spinster or the playboy or the dating catastrophe?

I feel like I need to be clear about the fact that I’m talking about chronic roles, roles that define who someone is because they’re in them most of the time or because they reflect the most prominent vibes they exude.  All of us can, at times, find ourselves behaving as martyrs, enablers or judges, but if these parts define any of our primary relationships, that’s probably a red flag.  In other words, could you still be yourself if your schtick evaporated?

Ok, so I’m not going to tell you which of the above apply to me.  I’m happy to report that I don’t think all of them do, but enough do to make me realize I have work to do.  (Don’t we all?)

The other thing I want to say is that having relationships with people is super-important and can really improve your quality of life.  Love makes the world go ‘round, after all.  But make sure your relationships raise you both up and allow you both to express the best of who you are in a validating, authentic way.

© 2010, Tamar98. All rights reserved.


Laugh It Up

By , November 29, 2010 10:03 PM

Is it just me, or has everyone suddenly gone stupid??  (And, yes, I mean that sentence in all its possible interpretations.)  Can I just say, “OMG.”

Between watching people drive, listening to their excuses, seeing their behavior in the stores over the weekend, and observing my own colossal density today, I’m perplexed.  What is going on??  I haven’t heard of anything planetary, have you?  (Well, and to be honest, I’ve never heard of any planetary alignments or conditions that make people act dumb.)

I’m having a hard time dealing.  I certainly hope this is a brief, passing phase.  In the meantime, I’m hoping my sense of humor will see me through it.  In general, your sense of humor can help you get through all kinds of challenging situations—if you let it.

Case in point: Top Gear.  That show is so funny, but most of all I enjoy watching what the trio comes up with.  I mean, who thinks this stuff up??  And we all appreciate their shenanigans and call it top notch entertainment.  We should all take a lesson and apply it to our day-to-day lives.

[To add insult to injury, I noticed that someone has attempted to create an American version of Top Gear.  What are they thinking?  The part of one episode I managed to watch was so ridiculously inferior to the British version that I can’t help but be embarrassed for the creators.]

© 2010, Tamar98. All rights reserved.


Pulling Punches

By , November 28, 2010 7:51 PM

In the past few days I feel like I’ve been smacked in the face with passive-aggression,  pretty much everywhere I’ve turned.  I’ve also been known to wield a passive-aggressive dagger from time to time, so perhaps this is about showing me an aspect of myself that I need to address—now, and hopefully once and for all.  After all, they say that the world is your mirror and if you’re being triggered by something (or someone), that’s your chance to examine and heal that same trait or aspect within yourself.

I do give myself big props for being more and more direct in expressing my feelings about a situation, but there are times when I still balk.  But I do get stuck trying to determine exactly what causes that figurative communication cringe.  After thinking about it, my current theory is that with the people with whom I feel my identity is most at risk if the relationship goes south, I’m most likely to behave in a passive-aggressive manner.

Let me just say that I don’t think this is true for everyone I know.  Some definitely seem triggered by a sort of political correctness.  Others seem to be motivated by some type of superiority complex (maybe narcissism?) that they’re trying to both express and temper simultaneously.  If you’ve caught yourself being passive-aggressive and you’d prefer a different approach, take a look at what sets off your behavior and see if you can trace back through the clues and commonalities to the root cause so that you can understand your unique trigger(s).

If I go back to discussing my own situation, I can heartily acknowledge how dangerous it is to have my sense of identity hinge on external factors, like people or my relationships (or lack thereof) with them.  Clearly, it’s also destructive.  But I also know that it’s a tendency of mine.  If I can unravel this, I’m pretty sure my life will change forever.

Wish me luck.  I’ll keep you posted.

© 2010, Tamar98. All rights reserved.


Incongruent Information

By , November 26, 2010 6:51 PM

Now that I think about it, most of my friends are very sensitive to energy and are therefore highly intuitive.  (Most of them consciously know this, but a few others haven’t realized it yet.)  They can see and often communicate what they see of a situation, when others are blind to it.

This ability is definitely a gift, but it can also be challenging.  Imagine if you could feel the unspoken subtext in a situation—especially if it isn’t consistent with the overt words and actions being presented.  What if you were constantly having to find a way to resolve the conflict that arose when there was a mismatch between the two?  How do you know what to believe?  Should you trust your intuitive information or the “real” information?

Unfortunately, I think most children go through this.  Growing up in typical households, kids are often “protected” from information their parents don’t want to share.  But children are nonetheless sensitive to the energy of their environments.  Because their lives are dependent on their parents, they usually have to believe what their parents tell them—even if it’s not congruent with what their energetic experience is.  Essentially, this process teaches kids not to trust the information they pick up and, thus, to not trust themselves.

Part of the process, then, of evolving into adulthood includes re-learning to connect to the intuitive information that’s been at our disposal from Day One, but which got ignored or invalidated.  This is not always easy and it doesn’t happen at all for some people.

One of the hardest parts to deal with, as I alluded to earlier, is having to come to terms with information we might not want to acknowledge.  What if you knew when someone was lying or being inauthentic?  What if you can feel artifice, manipulation, and deception when others don’t?  How do you deal with the pain and disappointment of loved ones who are being dishonest?  Or when you can see the truth of a situation that no one else has yet?  I won’t lie.  It’s difficult.

There’s definitely a balance to be struck between taking circumstances at face value and believing what you feel about them.  My suggestion is to actually take both views as information.  Both aspects will actually come together to guide you.  Let your feelings of what the right thing to do is guide your actions.  Let your feelings determine whether you can trust what others do and say.  Give others the opportunity to see that it’s safe for them to be honest with you, but consider walking away when you can no longer trust them.

But don’t ever abandon yourself by invalidating your experience.

© 2010, Tamar98. All rights reserved.


Holiday Challenge

By , November 26, 2010 12:02 AM

Although I do my best to stay positive, I have to admit that the holidays can be tough for me.  Somehow, I end up feeling very alone (even if I’m spending time with friends), and like I don’t really belong anywhere.  It has been this way for most of my adult life, although I’ve never quite understood why, especially because I’ve been lucky enough to have some super friends with whom I’ve celebrated.

We moved regularly when I was growing up and the dynamic in my family of origin was always a bit split.  As a result, I don’t have a sense of “home” beyond where I’m living in any given moment.  Usually, that’s just fine, because I do ensure that wherever I’m living actually is my home and haven.  But that also tends to mean that I have a strong attachment to my home, as it can act as the external embodiment of me relying on and self-caring for myself.

I’ve never really understood why things go sort of wonky at the holidays but I can speculate.  First off, the media, with its traditional family images, is really enough to make anyone feel self-conscious about how their life looks versus how it’s supposed to look or how they might want it to look.  Second, very often, other people are more focused on their own families and their availability is reduced.  Unfortunately, these two factors really can compound on each other.

One thing I want to say to my friends is this:  Just because I might feel bad, that doesn’t mean that I don’t value and appreciate you!  It also doesn’t mean that I’d rather be somewhere else, celebrating with someone else.  What it does mean is that I’m acknowledging that there’s something more I still want in my life but haven’t found yet.

© 2010, Tamar98. All rights reserved.


Incremental Epiphanies

By , November 23, 2010 10:37 PM

Congratulations to me!  Tonight I am celebrating my 100th blog post.  Can you believe it??  Time—and posts—sure do fly by…

If you’ve stuck with me through all 99 previous posts, you’ve probably seen that some days are better than others when it comes to inspiration and content.  Hey, just like real life!  %;)

Today, I feel like I had a very interesting revelation.  While doing a session with my teacher, we explored a new way to experience the divine masculine during my meditation.

For me, when I experience the divine feminine (which has been a focus of mine for several months now), it feels like being in a completely enveloping depth, sort of like what falling into a black hole might feel.  Until today, I hadn’t really considered what the divine masculine was really all about.  But I learned today that my connection to the masculine up to this point has been largely intellectual.  And, of course, having this awareness means that something has now shifted and new opportunities have presented themselves.

What is the new paradigm?  How about a divine masculine heart connection?  Although it might seem obvious, because I’ve never before given it much consideration, it never would have occurred to me to look there.  Now that it’s been illuminated, it’s clear that it’s time to explore this.

One of the joys (and sometimes frustrations) of life is that things are usually revealed to us incrementally.  Once we’ve learned something sufficiently, the next layer is uncovered—just as we’re ready to receive it and work with it.

As my teacher will attest, when I get frustrated I can be whiny and bratty.  (Hard to believe, I know.)  But, I have to admit that the fact that I can acknowledge that I am moving forward—no matter how slowly it sometimes feels—is something I’m deeply grateful for.  Can you relate?

© 2010, Tamar98. All rights reserved.


Black Friday

By , November 22, 2010 11:12 PM

I think I just saw my umpteenth Black Friday advertisement.  One store apparently plans to open at 3:00am.  Really??  Oy.

As you might guess from my comments, I plan to spend my 3:00am on Black Friday sleeping in my snuggly bed.  I’m not usually one to brave the crowds, the lines, and the chaos of malls and big box stores on regular days, so when Black Friday rolls around I usually opt out of the madness.

But the whole situation does perplex me a bit…  In addition to all the other commercialized “holidays” that have been concocted, we are apparently now adding a holiday devoted to shopping to the mix.  Isn’t that just the ultimate in commercialization?  And, like with so many “holidays,” Black Friday is spreading beyond the confines of the day itself in a really big way.

Stop!  Remember to stay in the moment!  It can be tricky to stay in the present when the frenzy is all around—especially when it reaches a fever pitch, like is typical for this time of year.  The spend, spend, spend mantra can be hypnotic.

You don’t have to get sucked in.  Please take this opportunity to really assess what you need before you dash out to the stores.  Perhaps even consider adopting a financially challenged family or donating to your favorite charity instead.  Remember what’s truly important and stay true to that.

This time of year is about celebrating abundance, not gluttony.  It’s about connecting with our families and/or communities, not one-upping them.  Plus, as we’re all thinking about gratitude, let’s be sure we actually honor the original spirit of these holidays and spend a significant portion of time acknowledging our many blessings and then sharing our bounty with those who don’t have as much, materially or spiritually.

© 2010, Tamar98. All rights reserved.


Attitude of Gratitude

By , November 21, 2010 11:12 PM

Two completely unrelated people mentioned to me today that they were maintaining an attitude of gratitude.  Of course, since Thanksgiving is only a few days away, it’s especially appropriate, but an outlook of gratitude EVERY DAY can really change your life.

Most people don’t realize that they actually do get what they ask for.  That may be a tough pill to swallow if you’re not getting what you think you’re asking for or think you want, but it’s true nonetheless.  I’ll elaborate…

First, even if you aren’t consciously asking for something, your energy puts a vibration of expectation around you.  You magnetize things to you that match your vibration and you see what you expect to see.  For example, if you expect bad things to happen to you, they will.  If you feel that the world is a magical place in which everything conspires in your favor, it will be.  Wake up and pay attention to how you’re showing up in the world!

Second, it really helps to pay attention to what you’re asking for.  So often, even when people are deliberately asking for something, they don’t realize it.  When you complain about wanting more freedom in your life, don’t be surprised if your wife decides to leave you or if you suddenly lose your job.  See, you’re getting more freedom!  The Universe focuses on and delivers the end goal you request, as expressed by your feelings.  As such, living in feelings of love and gratitude will bring you more of the same.

One more thing…  Since it’s your feelings that drive your requests, the means by which the end goal is presented to you is out of your control.  In other words, don’t get caught up in how your request is fulfilled.  When people get very focused on exactly how they expect something show up, they can pretty effectively gum up the works and manifesting anything can be difficult.

Remember too that just because you asked for something and you got it doesn’t mean you’re stuck with it.  You can ask for something else if you’re not happy with what you received!

When you are grateful for what you get in life, you’re also acknowledging your power in creating your life and that acts to amplify your power even further.

© 2010, Tamar98. All rights reserved.


Be There

By , November 20, 2010 11:33 PM

We usually know when people are being insincere.  You can tell if someone is doing something for you and their heart isn’t in it, can’t you?  Their inauthenticity is usually pretty obvious and it’s a little bit silly that we all tend to pretend that it feels good to be either on the giving or receiving end of it.

Very often, though, the reason it all happens in the first place is that people are trying to be nice.  They want to live up to an external ideal and do “the right thing.”  There’s certainly nothing wrong with that intention, but I have a suggestion.

If you’re going to do something—no matter what it is—embrace it fully.  Be completely present and make the most of it.  Own your choice to do that activity, after all, you always have the power to make the choice to do it or not.  Once you’ve decided to do it, follow through with all of your heart.  If you can’t do that, it’s worth considering not doing it at all.  Instead spend your time and energy on something else—on something that you can be completely present with.

Remember, your choices are a reflection of your power.  Always.  When you choose to do something that you are less than enthusiastic about, you’re giving your power away.

© 2010, Tamar98. All rights reserved.


Fears of Tears

By , November 20, 2010 1:40 AM

I’m not good with goodbyes.  I’ve always found them to be difficult—both when there’s someone I know I need to separate from and with people I don’t want to let go.  Very often, for me, goodbyes mean tears.

The first wave of laid off people departed our office today.  Very sad.  Some had jobs lined up and others didn’t have any new work prospects yet.  Some were close friends.  Some were very upset.

It used to be an extremely rare event when I would let anyone see me cry.  For most of my life, I felt that crying in front of others was a sign of weakness.  I worked to hide my “negative” emotions so that people would respect me and to ensure that they’d see me as poised and always under control.  Plus, I didn’t want to seem high maintenance or high drama.

But, in the last five years or so, in my personal life, I gave up trying to dam up my tears and just started letting them flow.  I openly cried at airports, walking down the street—wherever I happened to be when I was sufficiently moved for any reason.  The one place that was still off limits was work.  If I found myself upset at work, I would shut my office door to try to regain my composure or go outside to walk it off.

That changed today when I let the tears have their way in front of some of my male, engineer coworkers.  (And, really, the door opened about 2 weeks ago when one of my male coworkers happened upon me when I was outside trying rather unsuccessfully to contain myself.)  As self-conscious and apologetic as I was, it turns out it was ok.  Yes, I felt a bit awkward and vulnerable, but the guys were great.  As a matter of fact it was sort of liberating.  I got to be and share a little bit more of myself and the truth of who I am.

Really, this was just another step toward self-acceptance and authenticity—the exact places where power is rooted.

© 2010, Tamar98. All rights reserved.


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