Five Years

By , March 29, 2011 9:44 PM

I’m a daddy’s girl.  When I was a little girl, it was during the time that he and I spent together that I felt most loved.  It was like the sun shone for me when he was in the room.  He used to call me his “partner” and I loved it.

This does not mean our relationship was all peaches and lollipops, because it most certainly wasn’t.  Like so many parents do, my father treated me as a surrogate partner.  It wasn’t until about a year ago that I learned that there’s actually a term for that: emotional incest.  As I read up on emotional incest, as much as the term made me cringe, I couldn’t help but see myself in the descriptions of the situations outlined in the books.  I learned a lot.

As I grew up, my relationship with my father underwent several metamorphoses as circumstances changed and I entered adolescence and, ultimately, matured into an adult.  Our choices and worldviews were different and, very often, incompatible.  And yet, through it all, I always knew he loved me.

Today is the fifth anniversary of his death.  I’m baffled at how quickly the time has flown by.  I love you, Daddy.

© 2011, Tamar98. All rights reserved.


Filter Awareness

By , March 28, 2011 10:08 PM

I actually got outside yesterday with my clippers and with the mission to clear out the dead stuff from my garden.  It was a pretty nice day and it felt wonderful to be outside after feeling so cooped up all winter.

As I mentioned, my focus was really on cleaning away debris from the many perennials in my yard.  I trimmed all the dead bits off the lavender, cut back the sage, cleaned up the columbines and other plants I don’t know the names for, and collected old leaves that had accumulated in whatever part of the plant that was protruding above ground.  I made a small dent in what needs to be done.  There are lots more tasks that need attention: roses to be pruned, mulching to be done, soil to turn over, weeds to “discourage.”

After being outside for about an hour, and after hacking away at a sea foam artemisia that is trying to suffocate the lavender plant I was trying to clean up, I noticed something bright yellow out of the corner of my eye.  I was rather taken aback at the idea that there was something so brightly colored when everything else around was mostly brown, and, in some delightful cases, spring green.  The yellow was decidedly out of place.

I turned my full attention on the displaced object, a mere 2 feet from where I was crouched.  It was a daffodil.  Just one.  In a place I don’t remember ever seeing daffodils in my garden before.  In full bloom.

I had to laugh.  Here I was in ridiculous proximity to something I was craving seeing—glorious signs of spring—and I didn’t see it at all!  My focus was on the dead things I wanted to eliminate and I managed to filter the vibrant flower out of my vision.

© 2011, Tamar98. All rights reserved.


Washer Dreams

By , March 26, 2011 11:30 PM

Tonight I bit the bullet and bought a new washing machine.  To my deep chagrin, the washer I’ve been using for the last 7+ years has started leaking a significant (counted in gallons) amount of water each time I run a load of laundry.  In fact, I had to put a new accessory for my washer into use in the last couple of weeks, namely a ShopVac.  Said ShopVac sucks all the spilled water out of the tray that sits under my washer, protecting my drainless basement from flooding.  It’s a system, what can I say?

Ok, I bought my current washer used, so it’s probably done close to 11 years of reliable service now.  But it’s sort of funny to me that I expect that it should last longer.  Each time I shop for a major home appliance, I’m horrified by the cost of a new one and how short a time the old one lasted for me.

This highlights to me just how much our expectations shape our lives.  My reluctance to spend $600 for a new washing machine was largely due to my own picture of how long a washer should last, and what a washer should cost.  Yeah, you know, neither of those pictures turned out to be real.  When I can let go of those expectations, I can find much more neutrality in having to dish out big bucks for something as un-fun as a home appliance.

Then again, I know how much I’ll appreciate the new washer when I consider the alternative of having to go to a Laundromat in order to get clean clothes.  Or perhaps even thrashing them against a rock in a river somewhere.

© 2011, Tamar98. All rights reserved.


Raining Men

By , March 24, 2011 10:43 PM

I know some awesome people!  In the past few days I’ve had the pleasure of communicating via telephone, text, email, and in person with some wonderfully loving, generous men.

There have been some distinct cycles in my life during which I would not have been able to say that last sentence.  I’m not saying that with a sense of self-pity or victimhood; it’s merely an observation.  When the men were not on my radar, fabulous women showed up in my life instead.  But I’ve always found it curious that the phases worked that way—skewed to one sex or the other, rarely evenly blended.

One of the benefits to being immersed in a circle of people of one sex or the other is the opportunity to revel in the unique energy each provides.  It also gives me a chance to see which vibration I’m embodying.  I suspect that when I live more in my feminine energy, I have more men in my life; when I’m in a more masculine energy phase, more women.

But, really, today I just want to send love and appreciation to the men I’ve been interacting with this week.  You know who you are.  From the bottom of my heart, thank you.  You’ve made my week!

© 2011, Tamar98. All rights reserved.


Power Barometer

By , March 22, 2011 8:45 PM

My teacher told me today that I’d fallen out of the Light.  While that might not be meaningful to you, it’s perfectly clear to me and I could only nod in agreement at her over the telephone.  I’d realized over the weekend that something was off, but I couldn’t articulate what it was and therefore didn’t know how to fix it.

In my experience, everyone has a barometer in their lives that gives them information about whether they’re in the right groove or if they’ve been tipped off balance and have started giving their power away.  Tonight my teacher helped spark what I need to fall back into the Light.

But, it reminded me that I don’t need someone else to tell me something I can already sense myself.  What’s interesting to me is that I had the recognition, but not the awareness, about what was off.  Now, I can train myself to connect my barometer to my experience.

You might be wondering what my barometer is.  It’s this blog!  I sat down a couple of times over the weekend intending to write a post, but I couldn’t think of a single thing to write.  I was empty.  I couldn’t come up with anything—not even a ramble to get me started which could possibly spawn something relevant.  That’s unusual for me.  My posts have become more irregular of late because of other choices and obligations in my life, but it’s not normally due to a lack of subject matter.  That experience was therefore noteworthy, even if I initially didn’t understand the message.

Take a look around your life and see if you can identify your barometer.  What flows when you’re in your power and feels stuck when you’re not?

© 2011, Tamar98. All rights reserved.


Spring Ahead

By , March 20, 2011 10:07 PM

Happy Spring!  And did you catch the super full moon we had last night?  Absolutely lovely.

I have to admit that I’m excited about the fact that we’ve entered an energetic phase of new beginnings.  For me, the last few months have definitely been all about transitions, but there’s also been this sense of being in a holding pattern, which can be mighty frustrating.  As I’m sure you’ve figured out by now, patience is not one of my strengths (although I’m getting pretty good at it, even if I do say so myself).

Since I know I’m not alone in my struggle with impatience, I thought I’d share something that is becoming evident to me.  There’s a direct relationship between my ability to be patient and my ability to trust that the Universe is conspiring in my favor, on my behalf.  In other words, if I can trust that wonderful things are coming together for me, I’m much more likely to chill out and let it all come as it may.  The less I trust, the more I feel a need to control the situation, the more impatient I become.  Control is an illusion (delusion??) anyway.

Life happens in cycles.  When people say, “This too shall pass,” it’s true.  Everything is impermanent.  We usually want to hang on to the good things and let the other stuff go, but the truth is that everything is transitory.  Like the seasons coming and going, we can predict that change will happen.

What to do?  Do what you can to appreciate it all.  Bring joy to every aspect of your life whenever you can.  If something is especially challenging, try to step back and find the gifts in the situation.  Are you able to learn something new about yourself?  Are you being forced to re-evaluate something in your life?  And, of course, don’t sweat the small stuff—and an awful lot of it is small stuff.

© 2011, Tamar98. All rights reserved.


Root of Trust

By , March 15, 2011 11:13 PM

My blogging has been spotty recently and I apologize for that.  I was in Dallas for work last week and managed to catch the ‘flu.  I was supposed to be in Ottawa this week, but that trip was canceled per doctor’s orders because of said ‘flu.  Bleh.  But I’m on the mend, with the worst of it behind me.  (I hope!)

One thing about work travel that I enjoy is that I normally end up with dedicated reading time.  Before I dashed out the door to the airport on my way to Dallas, I grabbed a book that has been sitting on my bookshelf for quite a while: The Shack.

Honestly, I don’t remember why I bought the book.  I’m sure I heard good reviews about it somewhere along the line, but I was rather surprised when I started reading.  In all fairness, I’m only about halfway through, but, so far, the story goes something like this… A guy endures a terrible tragedy in his family and, compounded by his other life experience, he has given up on his relationship with God.  Then, a few years later, he has the opportunity to meet the three aspects God over a weekend spent at The Shack.

Consider this line, spoken by the Spirit aspect of God to the guy:

Trust is the fruit of a relationship in which you know you are loved.

I’m really struck by that line because it hits me on a couple of different levels.  Does it ring true for you?  The first way I thought about that phrase was in the context of a relationship with another person.  Are love and trust so closely coupled?  I think so, although I’ve never really thought about it that way before.  The second interpretation for that line was in the relationship we each have with ourselves.  The crux of both is the active nature of love which is reflected in a person’s actions and choices—and not just in an abstract, theoretical declaration.

This is just a timely reminder that love is a verb—it’s about how you treat someone (including yourself!) and not just about how you say you feel.

© 2011, Tamar98. All rights reserved.


Right and Wrong

By , March 6, 2011 10:39 PM

You’re fired!  Do you ever watch the Donald Trump reality series “The Apprentice” or “Celebrity Apprentice”?  To me, it’s pretty brutal.  I think I watched the first season pretty regularly, but it’s become more of a sensationalistic train wreck and I don’t really get into it anymore.  But I just caught the last two minutes or so of tonight’s episode and I was reminded of something important.

Power and kindness can go hand-in-hand.  I’ve recently met a couple of people who are very honest and forthright and they have a gift that allows them to speak their mind very openly, but also very kindly.  They know how to simply state their opinion or needs without any drama or accusation.  I’m so impressed when I encounter someone who can do this because it’s actually such an infrequent occurrence.

In my view, much of this gift stems from their ability to speak from their power.  They are simply speaking their truth, without making anyone wrong.  That alone is a rare form of kindness.

Do you know what I mean when I talk about making someone wrong?  Usually, people like to be right in any given situation.  Unfortunately, that often means that someone else has to be wrong.  Another way to look at it is that we often make judgments about others based on our own yardsticks—our values, beliefs, world views—and decide whether the other person measures up.  If they express ideas that are not in alignment with ours, we deem them to be “wrong” and we may even try to sway them to our way.  Even if it’s not explicitly stated, we all know when this happens to us.  And it doesn’t feel very good.  In fact, you might feel attacked or suddenly feel like you need to be on the defensive to justify yourself.

Just something to think about…  We are all here on our individual life paths.  None of us knows intimately what another’s experiences have been because we haven’t lived through the exact same circumstances.  We all make choices that others don’t understand or appreciate.  Yet we are all doing the best that we can in the moment we make the choice.

© 2011, Tamar98. All rights reserved.


First Things First

By , March 5, 2011 10:15 PM

I’m exhausted.  There have been too many nights in a row now for which I’ve not gotten enough sleep (for various good and not so good reasons) and it’s really taking a toll on me.  On top of that, I’ve felt like I haven’t been drinking enough water.  I can really feel my body complaining.

I know that when my body gets to this point, I have to give her some extra care or I’ll end up achy and sick.  (Ok, I’m already achy.)  With what I know about the upcoming week, I need to get to this before Monday rolls around.

You might be surprised to know what I’m doing to give my body that extra TLC.  I finished and filed my taxes tonight. I’ve started preparations for my work week.  I paid my bills.  I’ll ensure that my house is in order.  For me, I need to clean up things on my to-do list that have been lingering because they are energy drains to me.  I know that if I can plug the holes from which my energy leaks out, I can maximize whatever rejuvenation I do manage to eke out.  Yeah, trying to fill a sieve can be a rather fruitless exercise, don’t you think?

With some of the drain points eliminated, some of the things that replenish me are lots of water, a quiet evening at home, a calming bath, a walk through the neighborhood, a sensual delicious meal, retreating into an oasis with a lover, a weekend nap.  Do you know what feeds you?  If not, it’s probably time to learn.  It’s definitely worth giving yourself the gifts and care you need in order to thrive in your life.

Oh, and I’ll be going to bed very soon as well.  The alarm will be off.

© 2011, Tamar98. All rights reserved.


Love Letters

By , March 1, 2011 8:39 PM

We live in difficult times.  Stress is high, expectations are high.  Most of us crave acknowledgement of some sort, and few of us get it.  Sadly, for the vast majority of us, not only are we yearning external validation, we are busy brutally castigating ourselves.

Something has to give!  A great place to start is with your inner voice.  If you hear a barrage of criticisms or “should-have” admonishments, it’s time to turn that voice off—or at least lower the volume to a more tolerable level.  It’s time to replace that disparaging voice with something more constructive.

Have you ever noticed how compassionate, tolerant, and accepting we are to our friends and loved ones?  And how vicious we are toward ourselves?  Women are especially notorious for doing this.  We tend to hold ourselves to perfectionistic ideals and when we inevitably fall short, we feel the brunt of our own wrath.  Chronically.

It’s time to stop all that self-abuse and turn it around.

Over the weekend, I heard about The Inner Beauty Project, at  Iman Woods decided it was time women everywhere wrote a love letter to themselves commending them for an accomplishment or for their own inner beauty.  I think that’s utterly brilliant!  It’s time women—well, EVERYONE, really—learned to tell themselves what they most need to hear.

Consider giving yourself this gift.  It’s time to focus on all that you do right for a change.

© 2011, Tamar98. All rights reserved.


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