Girl in the Bubble

By , June 28, 2011 11:10 PM

I got home Sunday night from a 5-day trip to Los Angeles.  I participated in an intensive training class to become a coach.  In many ways, I’m still trying to recover from my experience there.  In addition to the physical aspects (like poor sleep and extremely limited food choices that my body didn’t like), there is also emotional fallout that I’m processing.

One of the core tenets of this program is radical self-responsibility.  Translated, that means that, as an adult, you are a co-creator of your experience—no matter what your experience happens to be.  To be in this place of self-responsibility, you have to give up the role of being a victim.  Period.

After all my talk about personal power, you might be surprised to hear that giving up victimhood can actually be pretty challenging.  The unconscious core beliefs that define your unpleasant life experiences can be tough to see and accept.  You really have to take a hard look at how your patterns mirror the inner truth you hold about yourself.  Essentially, how you are being in the world determines how people relate to you.  Think about that.  Really think about that.  (An important distinction, though, is that we’re talking about this in relation to who you’re being, not who you are!)

Honestly, there are aspects of this I’m still mulling over.  My project this week is that I am coming to terms with my own invulnerability.  In an attempt to protect myself, I’ve found that I erect some pretty good, virtually impenetrable walls of super-competence and strength.  Sure, the walls protect, but they also obscure and isolate.  And they often leave me feeling unsupported by the people around me, who evidently get the impression I always “have it all handled.”

Don’t get me wrong…  I do have a number of people in my life with whom I’ve lowered the walls.  I’m most likely to use those walls in public, when lots of people are around—when I feel most vulnerable.  And so, people treat me like I’m in a plastic bubble.  (Over the years, I’ve actually had several strangers approach me and comment on how “self-contained” I look.)  It’s time to try something different.  I’ve got nothing to lose.  Do you?

© 2011, Tamar98. All rights reserved.


A New Legacy

By , June 19, 2011 2:41 PM

Today is Father’s Day.   My good friend Erika and I have in common that our fathers are no longer living here in this physical plane.  Coincidentally, they passed within a few days of each other, although in different years.  Today she blogged about living so that you don’t have regrets with loved ones.  Living so that I can lie on my own deathbed without regrets at all is my goal—although perhaps a lofty, not-wholly-attainable one.  Somehow, though, her post connected some dots for me on a related subject.

When I was young, as I think I’ve mentioned before, the family dynamic at my house was a little weird (although probably not as uncommon as I thought for most of my life).  I, the firstborn, bonded with my father to an extreme degree—pretty much to the exclusion of anyone else in our household.  My mother and my sister paired up as a result.  Needless to say, there were distinct lines of alignment.  When my parents divorced when I was in high school, I caught the brunt of much of my mother’s anger.  Even she couldn’t keep my father and me separate in her mind.

Unfortunately, my father carried deep wounding from his relationship with his parents, which left him desperate to find love at all costs because he felt perpetually unloved.  There was never enough love for him and he was willing to go to destructive measures (to himself and to others) to get as much as he possibly could.  He simply missed the fact that you have the greatest feeling of love when you give it.  Sadly, he alienated a lot of people in his lifelong quest, including me.  Over the years I found much healing through therapy and my other spiritual pursuits.

Through it all, I loved my father very much—even when we weren’t speaking or when I was furious about his latest shenanigan.  As painful as it often was, the bond he and I share remains powerful to this day.

What has erupted in my awareness today is a question of the legacy he left.  To what degree am I attempting to keep him alive through the repetition of his patterns?  To what extent am I trying to atone for the pain of my childhood family dynamic (which I blamed myself for, of course) by punishing myself in a similar way he suffered—by depriving myself of a beloved life partner?  Are these destructive patterns a means for keeping the camaraderie alive between us?

On this Father’s Day, Daddy, I’m letting go of it all in an act of love to both of us.  I will no longer try to atone for your choices.  I will no longer keep your memory alive by making choices that replay your misery in my life.  I will no longer seek out pain to keep our connection alive.  More than anything, I’d like our legacy to be one of healing and of finally having broken the cycle of wounding.

© 2011, Tamar98. All rights reserved.


Making Scents

By , June 12, 2011 10:09 PM

Groupon is awesome!  There are some local versions around here also for my city and county.  Just in case you’re not familiar with Groupon, they allow you to pre-purchase products and services at a greatly reduced price—usually around 50% of what you’d normally pay.  You can get a $20 gift certificate to a restaurant for $10, for example.

Earlier this week, a Groupon email arrived in my mailbox for a perfumery in Boulder.  (Who even knew there was a perfumery in Boulder??)  For $35 (normally $75) you’d get an hour-long appointment to meet with a perfumer to custom blend a scent for you based on what you like and what smells good on you.  In addition, you walk away with your new perfume.  How could I resist?

For many years, I wore perfume every day.  It helped me feel put together, feminine, and sensual.  In the last ten years or so, I found myself getting more sensitive to scents—both those I wore and those others wore—so perfume left my daily life.  From time to time I’d pull one of the old bottles out of the bathroom cabinet and give myself a spritz or two, but it always felt overpowering and somehow wrong.

Yesterday morning I had my appointment at Essense and I’m excited to report that I walked away with three new scents—two that I “designed” and one sample of an “off the shelf” blend.  I like all of them and they all reflect different aspects of me.  This might sound odd, but the process of blending a custom scent has helped me identify different aspects of myself—what I like, what I want to express to the world, what makes me feel good.

As you’ve probably heard, your sense of smell triggers the deep recesses of your primitive brain.  Wouldn’t it be great if I could use a perfume to help remind me of who I am at my divine core??  I think that having a tool like that to support me in showing up in the world in all my glory could be just what I need right about now!

© 2011, Tamar98. All rights reserved.


Brain Freeze

By , June 8, 2011 10:12 PM

One of the foods I’m seriously not supposed to eat these days is ice cream (no dairy, no sugar, no eggs).  But, I have to admit, there’s really nothing like it.  Rich.  Creamy.  Yum.  My favorite flavor is usually rocky road—you know, chocolate ice cream with marshmallows and nuts mixed in.  (Yeah, not supposed to be having chocolate or almonds either.  Darn it!)

I’ve recently found an ice cream made from coconut milk and which uses agave as a sweetener.  It’s not bad, even if it is a little two-dimensional compared to good rocky road.  It has me thinking that I could probably make my own using coconut milk and stevia.  I’m dreaming about maybe banana-chai-coconut or, once July rolls around, peach-coconut.  Maybe raspberry-hibiscus or coconut-lime?

Who knows if I’ll end up making any of those frozen flavors.  I don’t even have an ice cream maker, but I might be able to whip something up in my Vitamix.  And, of course, there’s always the question about whether I can effectively execute my vision and net a dessert that truly tastes like what I think it would.  Or should.  Even a delicious—if unexpected—surprise would be awesome.

Whether I actually make them or not, I have fun thinking about the possibilities.  I have to admit that I often hold myself back from even trying the doing.  I don’t want to waste perfectly good food that ends up tasting disappointing because I don’t know what I’m doing and have ruined it.  Worse yet, I don’t want to have my ineptitude in the kitchen in my face again.  At that point, the question becomes was it just a bad idea or did my execution of that idea suck?

What’s really sad to me is that I know this attitude can pervade other areas in my life as well.  I often want a reliable level of expertise before I’ll try something.  Even if I get over that initial hurdle and give it a go, if the attempt bombs, I often won’t try again.  My brain goes haywire invalidating me.  (And sometimes I have others around me who also join in.)

This summer, I’m going to change things up.  I’m going to make a delicious frozen dessert that I can actually eat and enjoy enough to share with friends—even if it takes me all summer.  My critical brain can take a vacation.  Maybe even a permanent one.

© 2011, Tamar98. All rights reserved.


All Shook Up

By , June 7, 2011 9:53 PM

Didya miss me?  I’ve obviously been AWOL for the past several weeks.  Why?  At this point, suffice it to say that things are changing in my life and I’m doing my best to adapt and, hopefully—ultimately—thrive.  Transformation is afoot!

Before my absence, I actually had a post that I’d been working on for a good couple of weeks.  For whatever reason, it never felt done.  Frankly, I didn’t understand it enough to post it either.  I still don’t feel like I’ve learned what I need to from it.  I’m still missing something, but I’m getting closer.  So I’m going to continue to let it incubate for a bit.

But, I’d like to share some general strokes about what’s been going on for me, just in case it’s not just me who’s slogging through this.  Perhaps we can support each other.

I’ve realized lately that I have a commitment problem.  Sure, I readily make commitments to my job and to people I care about—even if they treat me like crap and/or don’t reciprocate.  Where I feel like I’m falling down is in the commitments I make to myself.  I’ve shone the spotlight on the fact that throwing myself under the bus to save/benefit others has been an annoying pattern of mine.  I’m working to change that now, but I have to admit that it’s sort of freaking me out because I’m getting glimpses of the level of self-destruction that has gone along with those choices.

What’s your barometer?  How do you know if you’re doing the right thing for yourself?  Can you tell?  Do you care?  I have to admit that I’m really learning that how others treat you is nothing compared to how much you value yourself.  When you are taking care of yourself, honoring yourself, and loving yourself, what others do doesn’t really matter all that much because if they are not behaving in alignment with what you deserve, the interaction or relationship you have with them will be very short-lived.

© 2011, Tamar98. All rights reserved.


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